why you might want to read this newsletter

spoiler alert: I wouldn't have made it very far in a sales-based career

If you’re reading this, that means you signed up to receive a weekly post from me. I wrote most of this post before telling anyone I was planning to write, and when I set up the Substack, it said I should try to get 10 subscribers in order to get a little box checked in the list of things I needed to do. As someone who likes checked boxes and yet not believing anyone would be all that interested in reading what I had to say, I added 10 of my closest friends, without their consent, to my subscriber list. Then I shared on social media that I was planning to begin writing. Imagine my surprise when dozens of people signed up on their own. At that point, I decided I’d remove the 10 people I added myself so as not to infringe on the relational equity I’ve built up with them over the years. (This allowed the box to remain checked, which was the most important thing.)

With that said, why would anyone want to read what I have to write? While talking with my mom over the summer on a long road trip, she asked me if I had ever thought about writing a book. Truthfully, I have thought about it many times. I have often felt like I had some thoughts and ideas that could turn into a book, but since I haven’t written for myself in years, I thought that a weekly post read by the 10 friends I manually added, without their consent, to my subscriber list might be a good place to start. Having others knowingly sign up to read it seems like an even better place to start!

Over the summer my mom and I had initially been talking about my past experiences within the church. My husband has been an ordained pastor for almost 8 years, but has been on staff at one church or another for almost our entire marriage, going on 16 years. In that time, we have been at five different churches: Church #1 (2009-2012), Church #2 (2012-2014), Church #3 (2014-2015), Church #4 (2016-2020), and Church #5 (2020-present).

In other words, we have seen some things. Some of those things were beautiful. Some of them were not. And along the way we have also gotten to know other people in Jesus’ church who have blessed us and encouraged us and been used by the Lord to make us look more like Jesus. And there have been others who have harmed us, some in the very name of Jesus. And so one reason why you might want to read what I want to write is that you, too, have been harmed by the church. My goal is not to slander any one individual or church. I just want to share how the church is a place where you can experience great harm, but also why I believe you shouldn’t give up on the church as a whole. I also want you to know that you are not alone, and you are not crazy, and you are not supposed to be harmed within the church.

A subset of this reason is that I am married to a pastor. Being a pastor’s wife has been a great blessing and a great hardship, sometimes both on the same day. If there are any other pastors’ wives or ministry wives who need encouragement, I hope I can provide at least a little bit.

Another reason I think I might have something to say is that I read a lot of books. I started tracking the books I was reading in 2016, and since then, I have read more than 1,000 books. I don’t remember them all, but they all exist within a master database that I am painstakingly working on in order to categorize and tag them all so that if someone asks me for a book on a certain topic, I can quickly give them recommendations based on the books that I have read. So not only do I want to share round ups of books on certain topics, but I have also been formed by the books I have read, and I would love to share my thoughts on certain books or thoughts that have been inspired by something I read recently.

I also have a lot of funny and/or interesting stories that I’ve shared in person with people but that I have never put to paper. I’d like to have these stories saved. Some examples: the time I had to wire money to my boyfriend in Germany because he didn’t have enough money to get home; the time I worked for the governor of South Carolina but then he went missing; the whole story of how my husband and I met online before that was a thing; and the time the librarian asked my mom if it was OK for her 10-year-old daughter (me) to check out 30 nonfiction books about the Holocaust. Other possible topics: the time I almost went blind, ineffective methods of birth control, the pros and cons of having two kids within two years of getting married, how to identify a narcissist, the four months we spent with no income but didn’t starve, the period of time when I believed I could on my own stop the Rapture from occurring, and why, after so much sorrow, we are still in ministry and still believe that Jesus’ church is the very best place to belong to.

A final reason you might want to read is that I have been told that my writing is enjoyable to read. I hope it still is, after I polish off the rust. If I am told that my writing is terrible and I should stop, I will take that as a sign to at least step back and try to make it better. Until then, I want to give it a shot. Will this turn into a book? I have no idea. But first I need to develop the self-discipline to actually write. I hope you’ll come along with me.

My understanding is that Substack allows you to comment on posts, and since there are not very many of you at this point I can promise that I will absolutely read and respond to any comment you leave. And if there is anyone you know who might be interested in reading about church hurt, books about anything and everything, or stories from my ordinary life, please forward this e-mail to them. I appreciate your time.

Coming next: “The 19 worst books I read in 2024”