“Dispatches from the Dopamine Den” is a post that I (try to) write monthly that serves as a curation of all the things I used to share on social media. (The title comes from the name of my favorite room in our house.) It includes life updates, interesting things I found online, what I’ve watched this month, and anything else I feel like sharing.
It has been many months since I wrote a dispatch from the Dopamine Den, and each month since April I have wanted to, and life has gotten away from me. Many of those months I had a note going on my phone where I’d jot things down to share at the end of the month, and it didn’t happen.
It pains me to have a large gap between these posts because I will never be able to make a list of this year’s DFTDD posts without a gap, but that’s a perfectionistic, completist mindset and I’m going to reject that. I’ll do this when I’m able to. Something is better than nothing!
What We Did
September flew by. We began the month by going to Tennessee for our annual Labor Day friend reunion. Christian and I met when he was in college at Sewanee, and he had a solid group of friends who I also got to know when we were dating and I’d go visit him. Against all odds, we have maintained most of these friendships for the last twenty years. That feels insane to type. For the last 11 years, we have gathered yearly and everyone who can come meets in the county where my husband grew up. Two of those friends, who also got married, planted a church in that county about 5 years ago, so we stay with them when we go back. Our kids are dear friends—almost cousins.
This was the second year that our older boys didn’t get to come because of marching band. But it was the first year that our oldest could drive and so leaving them for the weekend required almost no logistical planning on my part. It was great. We enjoyed our time with just the little kids and spent one day exploring Sewanee on our home. Somehow we had never visited the equestrian center, and the kids were thrilled to get to pet horses for the first time.
Then we went on a hike to a place Christian and I hiked together decades ago, and the little kids complained for most of it how tired their legs were, and then it started pouring rain on the way back, and we got soaked. It ended up being a memory making excursion.
The following weekend I went out of town on my own to a pastors’ wives conference in Atlanta. I rode with my friend Katherine, but while I was in Atlanta I got to spend several hours with my friend, Lauren, who is another pastor’s wife but who was not attending the conference. (She reads my Substack. Hi, Lauren!) We met last year in Key West at another conference. It was amazing to spend time with her, even if it was just for a few hours!
STORY TIME
On the first night of the conference in Key West, there was a time of mingling and hanging out before dinner. Everyone had an assigned table. I’m not much of a mingler, but Christian is, so he did his mingling while I made my way to our table. I already knew one of the couples at our table, but I met Lauren and her husband, Ethan, for the first time. We were all wearing name tags. Christian joined us at the table and reached across the table to introduce himself and shake Ethan’s hand. Something tripped in his brain and as he reached across to shake Ethan’s hand, he was looking at Ethan’s name tag, and Christian said, “Hi! I’m Ethan!” As Ethan, who couldn’t see Christian’s name tag, was presumably about to remark on what a coincidence it was that they both had the same name, I and the other couple looked at each other confusedly and all quickly said, “No, it’s not—it’s Christian!” We then all burst out laughing and I still laugh today when I think about it. Sometimes I call him Ethan just for fun.
I also got many amazing books at the conference and was very excited to put them on my TBR shelf in the Dopamine Den, which was already full and had no need to be replenished. Some of these books are ones I purchased on behalf of our church that will make their way to our free book table at church, but most of the others are ones that were free gifts as part of the conference. There is truly nothing I love more than free books that are good books. The top right book in particular is written by Connie Dever, wife of Mark Dever at Capitol Hill Baptist Church, and it is almost a textbook. I don’t think I’ll ever reach enlightenment on how to best do ministry while also sustaining your marriage and raising children, so I’m really excited to hear what she has to say.
Books I Brought Home
I Prayed and Nothing Changed: What God is Up to in the Silence by Ste Casey
Together for Good: A Couple’s Guide to Thriving in Christian Ministry by Justin Adam Smith
Reaching Your Child’s Heart: A Practical Guide to Faithful Parenting by Juan and Jeanine Sanchez
Everything is Never Enough: Ecclesiastes’ Surprising Path to Resilient Happiness by Bobby Jamieson
Praying in Pain: How to Know You’re Heard When You Haven’t Been Healed by Glenna Marshall
Marvelous Messy Ministry: Flourishing Your Family as You Nourish the Church by Connie Dever
Consider the Lilies: Finding Perfect Peace in the Character of God by Johnny Ardavanis
The Holy Spirit: Delighting in the Doctrine of the Holy Spirit by Keri Folmar
Raising Kids in a Hyper-Sexualized World: Help for Parents by Eliza Huie
We are knee deep in extracurricular activities what with the boys in marching band and Scouts and Zoe doing cheerleading with Upward at a local church. She is loving it and because she inherited her parents’ giant genes, she finds herself as one of the foundational cheerleaders for all of the stunts. I love how much she loves it and am very thankful that the team is very chill.
My parents came into town for one weekend this month to see the boys play in the marching band and watch Zoe cheer. We always love having Grammy and Grandpa in town because they spoil all of us and cheerfully come along with whatever we have scheduled.
Other than all of that, I have thrown myself into my duties as president of the marching band boosters and am loving just about every bit of it (there have been a few headaches). I love getting to see our big boys more during the week, I love making spreadsheets to improve how things work, and I especially love getting to know the other band parents. I truly enjoy being around them and know that some of these are going to be lifelong friendships.
What I Watched
🎥 Slow Horses (Apple TV)
This has been our show for the last many weeks. We just finished season 5, and our timing was perfect because season 6 is starting to release new episodes. The show centers around a group of MI5 agents in Great Britain who have been consigned to Slough House because of failures or mistakes they made in the line of duty. They are still agents, but they don’t ever get assigned anything important. Somehow, though, they always end up saving the day, usually in spite of themselves. It is a dark show, but it’s also really funny.
🎥 Ted Lasso (Apple TV)
We are in the midst of watching season 4, and while the number of same-sex relationships seems disproportionate, this season has been a lot better than last season.
🎥 Unchosen (Netflix)
I watched this on my own because—spoiler alert, I like cults—and it was fine. It was pretty violent if that bothers you. It also turned out to be more a mystery/thriller show than purely about a woman stuck in a cult, but it was a good binge. Although the people in it are very aware of the outside world, I kept being reminded of The Village, one of my favorite M. Night Shyamalan movies.
🎥 Death of a Pastor’s Wife (Netflix)
Everyone and their mom is talking about this, and I have now watched it twice. I watched it on my own and then I watched it with Christian. It was even worse the second time. There is nothing much to say about it to those who have watched it, because it’s mostly just a horrible story. If you haven’t watched it, prepare to be disturbed. I did love Mica’s lawyer, though—if I ever need legal counsel, I’ll travel to Myrtle Beach and hire her.
What I Listened To
I have been on a Maggie Rogers kick for about the last year. I never get tired of her music. If you’ve never seen the video of Pharrell Williams giving her feedback on her song Alaska, before she made it big, it’s worth a watch.
More recently, I discovered Sam Fender. I like his voice, but I think it’s the instrumentation in his songs that keeps me coming back. I love the keys, I love the bass lines, and I also love the random saxophones that appear in many of his songs.
Please note that both of these artists sometimes use bad words in their songs. They are by no means explicit or overly sexual, which is one reason I enjoy their music, but the F-word shows up here and there.
Closing Thoughts
One of the biggest trials this month has been my own chronic pain as well as Christian unexpectedly also developing pain emanating from his neck down into his arm. Mine has been going on for over a year, and as far as I know it’s not contagious, so it’s wild that both of us are now having a lot of the same symptoms. I am in the process of receiving care from a neurosurgeon, but insurance and timing has caused some of the treatments to be very far apart. Christian is also being treated but dealing with our insurance in both cases has been really frustrating.
It is humbling to be in pain every day. I cannot control it, I cannot fix it, and many days I cannot predict how bad it will be. Some days it’s mild enough that by keeping busy I can distract myself, but some days I want to find a big open field and scream, because I am so tired of it hurting. The pain has been my constant companion for close to 18 months, and it’s hard for me to remember life without it. This has affected me physically, as I have gained back almost all the weight I lost several years ago, but it has affected me most spiritually.
There is a place your mind can go when you keep praying for relief every day, for days and weeks and months, and it doesn’t seem like anything has changed. In fact, sometimes it seems like it’s getting worse. As a Christian, I believe that God is sovereign over all things. I also want to believe what the Bible says about how much God loves me. By joining these two truths, I come to the conclusion that what I am experiencing and what Christian is experiencing does not mean that God doesn’t love me and does not mean that he doesn’t see what’s happening. On a day-to-day basis, though, this is a hard truth to hold. All I have known to do is to keep getting up every morning to read my Bible and pray to the Lord, who has seemed largely silent these past many months.
I share this because I know I’m not alone. All of us are suffering in different ways at any given time, and we are weak and fragile creatures. Continuing to trust that we have a good God who loves us and who sees us and who has some purpose for our good in our suffering feels cliche to even type. Coffee mug quotes and Instagram one-liners aren’t enough. We just have to keep throwing ourselves at the throne of grace, sometimes kicking and screaming as we go, and keep reminding ourselves that one day, he’s going to make everything right.
Maranatha, come, Lord Jesus!