An interview with myself
I know some of you are eagerly anticipating the next installment of Christian and I meeting—sorry I left you with 20-year-old Chelsey in a gravel parking lot in Tennessee. I promise more is coming, but it is hard work to reconstruct events from 20 years ago and dig up memorabilia. And so for today, I am providing an interview with myself that literally no one asked for, but that I very much enjoyed giving.
What is something you were confused about as a child?
My mom’s older brother was named David. My dad is also named David. My mom would tell me stories about growing up and they always included all these things she did with “David.” I thought it was weird she wasn’t calling my dad, “Dad,” but didn’t ask questions. I would just insert images of my dad as a kid into all these stories. I also thought it was cool that my parents had known each other their whole lives, even though I also knew the story of them having met in college. It was confusing, OK?
What is something awful that you and your youngest sister did to your middle sister?
We once told her that because we both had brown eyes and she had blue eyes, that she was adopted, and she believed us. (Sorry, Allison.)
Do you have any oddly specific fears?
Yes, and all of them involve the dishwasher disposal. Will it turn on by itself? Will a part of my body get stuck inside it? What if someone accidentally flips the switch while my hand is down there?
My other great fear is snakes. Specifically being somewhere and a snake falling down on me from somewhere up above, but I am also terrified of seeing a snake anywhere, at any time, behind glass or not.
Did you have an imaginary friend as a child?
I didn’t have just one—I had a whole pack! Of dogs, that is. Imaginary dog friends. I’d go for bike rides and pretend my pack of dogs was all running next to me. The alpha dog of the pack was a Great Pyrenees. We had one of those encyclopedia sets that had one book for each letter, and the “D” volume had a two-page spread of dog breeds. I wore that book out and only as an adult realized that my ability to identify dog breeds was far above average.
Did you ever throw away a large tomato in the bathroom trash can of an elderly Russian couple?
This may surprise you, but yes. When I was in college, I studied Russian. I got connected with an elderly couple who had recently immigrated from Russia. Nadia and Oleg were brilliant—Nadia had published a textbook on homeopathy in Russia. But their English was not great and so I went over frequently to help them practice their homework from their ESL class. Whenever I went, they served me authentic Russian food. This is where I first tasted borscht (beet soup).
One time, as I struggled to swallow beet soup, Nadia also placed a large tomato next to my bowl. I watched as Oleg ate the tomato like an apple. I had learned that if I didn’t eat all the food, they were offended, but I hate raw tomatoes and knew I would gag. Oleg’s eyesight was failing, so the next time Nadia went into the kitchen, I wrapped the tomato in my napkin and hurried to the bathroom, where I nestled the wrapped tomato in the bathroom trash can.
What’s one weird talent or completely useless skill you have?
I’m really good at guessing exactly what time it is. This is useless because I’m always wearing a watch. But it’s a fun party trick, especially since Christian has the opposite talent, which is never knowing even close to what the time is.
What’s your most unpopular opinion?
I have a short list of actors who I truly will not watch on screen, and naming any one of them usually riles somebody up. They are: Adam Sandler, Jim Carrey, Nicolas Cage. I do not think they are funny and I don’t think they are good actors. I hate them.
Conversely, I’ll watch just about anything with Jack Black, Bill Murray, or Will Ferrell.
What is something you would do only under extreme circumstances?
Dress up in a costume. I’ve done it two times in my whole adult life. One time I dressed up as Ben Wyatt from Parks and Rec for a birthday party and one time I made myself a Wordle shirt for a Halloween party. Both were emotionally exhausting. I don’t like coming up with the ideas and I also don’t like talking about or explaining what I’m wearing when I’m wearing it. I hate costumes.
What is your favorite TV show?
It’s hard to choose, of course, given the amount of media I have ingested over the years. Here are a few of my favorites: Veronica Mars, Parks & Rec, Schitt’s Creek, 30 Rock, Doctor Who (the David Tennant seasons ONLY), Breaking Bad, and Arrested Development. There are a million more but I think these give you a pretty good idea of my television vibe.
What is your most embarrassing childhood memory?
This wasn’t embarrassing at the time—I actually thought I was pretty clever—but had anyone found out it most certainly would have been. I was about nine years old, and I had a major crush on the son of my piano teacher, who was my age. We were both homeschooled. I wanted to connect with him in some way and so I wrote up a survey with a bunch of questions and mailed it to him, saying that as a school project I was sending the survey to a bunch of kids. He mailed it back with all his answers. Unbeknownst to him, though, I had only sent it to him. We never really did speak in public, but now I had some serious dirt on him, like his favorite color and favorite food.
What are your favorite and least favorite foods?
Least favorite is easy: goat cheese, raw tomatoes, melons, and most fruits. The fruit situation is entirely a texture issue. Anything remotely squishy is a no. I am not nearly as picky as Gregory Eddie from Abbot Elementary, but I felt seen during this episode when he names something even worse than regular fruit.
Unlike Gregory, though, I do love pizza, and that’s probably my favorite food. When we lived in Columbia, there was a local pizza restaurant that made Sicilian crust pizza. We’d get it with a cheesy white sauce instead of red sauce with mozzarella, ricotta, roasted red peppers, pepperoni, and sausage as the topping. I still dream about that pizza.
What is something about you that would surprise people?
I love scaring people. I love doing jump scares on my kids. I would also love to do them on Christian, but when we were dating I learned how much they upset him and so he is no longer a target. My kids think it’s funny and as they’ve gotten older have turned the tables and truly scared the crap out of me. Growing up, my sisters and I used to scare each other and continue to do so until this day. Our mother continually laments what she did wrong to make us have such a warped sense of humor, and our response to that is to try to scare her.
What is your favorite movie?
There are two answers to this question. The first is the nostalgic answer—Return of the Jedi. I grew up watching the original Star Wars trilogy over and over again and while I still love all of them, it was the final movie that really got me. I had an enormous crush on Mark Hamill as Luke Skywalker, I loved the Ewoks, and I was happy for Han Solo and Princess Leia to finally get together in the end, leaving Luke Skywalker to be my own personal love interest. My other favorite movie that doesn’t involve having a crush on a fictional science fiction character is A Beautiful Mind. That movie absolutely blew my mind. I won’t spoil it if you haven’t seen it, but I think about that movie on the regular. My favorite comedy is What About Bob? My favorite fantasy movie is The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers.
What were you inexplicably afraid of as a child?
Aliens as depicted in the movies ET and Mac & Me. When my family would go to Blockbuster (lol), I would go down the science fiction aisle and find the two video covers and, without looking at them too carefully, flip them around so I wouldn’t accidentally see the cover. If you aren’t familiar with the latter film, here is the terrifying cover:
A few years ago I revisited the film to see what was so scary about it, and not surprisingly, it didn’t have the same choke hold on me 30 years later. Here is a clip from the movie:
What is the most rebellious thing you did growing up?
When I was about 10 years old, I spent a couple weeks with my grandparents in Florida. My aunt, their daughter, was only 12 years older than me and hadn’t gotten married yet, so all of her stuff was still in her room. She had tons of movies on VHS. At home, my parents were extremely careful about what we were allowed to watch. I watched Mrs. Doubtfire and Jurassic Park that summer, both of which were rated PG-13. The joke was on me, though, because Jurassic Park gave me nightmares for months but I couldn’t tell my mom without revealing my horrifying episode of rebellion.
I hope you enjoyed learning all of this useless information about me. I’d truly love to hear your own answers to these questions!